I am Mommy, hear me roar

So as you all know (because I've mentioned once or forty-two times), Stephen started T-ball this year. For the most part, we've had fun with it. But things are starting to take a turn...

I haven't always been impressed with the coach. But I told myself (and Sweet Hubby) that we don't know what it's like trying to teach 12 5-year-olds the intricacies of a ball game. And really, are the details really all that important at this age? But there have been more than a few things happening that make me raise my eyebrows. Like the team mom, the coach's wife, yelling "Son of a b!tch!" from the dugout loud enough for the kids to hear. And the coach on more than one occasion telling his child and one other child that he was going to beat them. And the coach's child shoving Stephen and calling him chicken or stomping on his foot at second base. And the grown-man wannabe coach who laughs at and teases Stephen when he has to go to the bathroom for the fourth time during practice. It's enough to make me queasy, really. And angry. Things like this are exactly the reasons why we're choosing to homeschool. Why in the world would we pay to have our child subjected to it?

Stephen's even getting discouraged by it all. He told me this weekend that he didn't want to go to the game because of "Braaaandon" (which by the way, is not his real name, but it is what Stephen calls him and because of the way this kid has treated Stephen, I've never corrected him). He just doesn't understand. Stephen is loud and bossy and boisterous and exuberant. He's been known to shove one of his brothers a time or two and heaven knows he can yell when he's mad. But he and I both know he would never do that to another child. He's just not the kind of kid to lash out physically. So neither one of us can really understand where these other kids are coming from.

So it's obvious we had a decision to make, Sweet Hubby and I. Sweet Hubby's instinct was to tell Stephen to shove the other kid back when Stephen first got shoved. My instinct is to "turn the other cheek", not seek revenge, and the be the bigger "man". I realize there's a fine line between being confident enough to not fight back and being wimpy and not fighting back, and then consequently being picked on all the time. How do you teach that to a 5 year old? Does a 5 year old even need to learn this? There's a big difference between a 5 year old and a 10 year old learning to handle and defend himself. Honestly, deep down, there's a primal, immature part of me that wants to punch the coach in the face for not handling his own kid better and for not demanding that these kids learn respect and sportsmanship first, before learning how to hit or throw a ball. But I'm clinging to what I know is right, and what we're wanting to teach our children. There are, after all, always watching.

Beyond giving Stephen guidance on how to handle all this, we also had to decide if we were going to continue subjecting him to it. Here's the back and forth we had about it:

There's only a month left in the season.

But there are at least 2 games each week.

If we let him quit, we won't have to teach him this lesson right now when we think he's too young.

If we let him quit, we might be inadvertently teaching him that just because we don't like the people we have to deal with, we can just walk away.

If we keep him in it, someone (us as parents or Stephen) might do something they will regret.

If we keep him in it, we might have the opportunity to show God's love to someone else by the way we handle another bad situation.


Obviously, Sweet Hubby and I are both conflicted about it. But some good has come from it so far. Last practice was when Stephen got shoved. I wasn't at the practice, and on the way home I was asking Stephen a series of questions, trying to get him thinking about it all. Here are parts of our conversation. (Sweet Hubby and I are red, Stephen's blue.)

"So how did it make you feel when Brandon pushed you?"

"I didn't like it."

"Have you ever pushed Zachary?"

Long pause. "No?"

"Yes you have, and do you think Zachary felt the same way you did when Brandon pushed you today?"

"Yes."

"God wants us to do and say things that build people up and help them. Not tear them down."

"Why did Brandon push me like that?"

"It has nothing to do with you, Sweetie. Brandon has a lot of foolishness bound up in his heart and maybe his mom and dad aren't helping him get it out like your mom and dad are."

"Why doesn't Brandon's mom read the bible with him?"

"Well, we don't know that she doesn't. But some people don't do things the way we do them, and that's okay. But that also means that we're given opportunities to show God's love to them so that they know about it, even if they don't read the bible."

"I'm glad you read the bible with me."

And then I melted.

I can kind of see how the hard month that we had with Stephen's behavior and the issues we're having with t-ball are all coming together for Stephen (and I) to have a better understand of what we're supposed to do. And that what how we're raising these little men is actually paying off.

So here's the decision we reached (believe it or not, I actually started this post last week before we made the decision). We're going to have him finish out the season. We're not even going to give him the option to quit. However, one of us will be sitting in the dugout with him at all times (I suspect that that's where most of the misbehavior takes place, and believe me, it's not just Brandon misbehaving) and during practices, Sweet Hubby or one of his grandfathers will stay near him on the field to try to make sure the kids don't lay a hand on each other (any of them, not just ours). Sweet Hubby is as much on board with this as I am, but at first he bristled at the thought of trying to protect Stephen like this. He made the old argument that Mommy and Daddy can't always be there to protect him. I gently reminded him that he's FIVE and if he were 10 or even 7 or 8, that we would be having a different conversation. I think he finally realized that some of us aren't equipped to handle this kind of thing in our 20's. Why in the world would we expect a five year old to be able to?

Updates

Remember this post I wrote whining asking advice for how to handle the baby that's into everything all the time? Well, I figured I'd update you a little. I did replace all the books on the bottom shelf of the bookshelf with Marc-Adam's books. He loved that for a while, but has now lost interest in the bookshelf altogether. I also taped a soda bottle cap over the power button on the TV so he can't turn it on and off in record speed while also annoying his brothers. It's a very attractive look, lemme tell ya. However, I couldn't figure out how to cover the rest of the buttons because when I attempted to do so, he was still able to push ALL the buttons at the same time and put our TV into SAP. That was fun. So I had to remove that prototype and now those buttons are still exposed, so he gleefully turns the channels and the volume up and down all the live long day. And sends his brothers into panic attacks. I did also remove the chore cards for good until he's old enough to not be interested. Who knows when that will be.

So, even though most of those "problems" have been resolved, he has now moved on to bigger and better tricks. His new favorite past time is climbing up and standing on the coffee table or kitchen table. He climbs on the coffee table while I'm sitting on the couch and then hurls himself at me so that I have to catch him. This goes on and on, and I can't stop him from doing it. I'm too afraid that he'll do something when I can't catch him and hurt himself. He's also learned that when I'm cooking dinner and can't hold him he can climb up on the kitchen table, stand up, stand dangerously close to the edge and then cry. He knows that I'll come get him every time. And so for those few seconds, he also gets what he wants because he's got my attention.

And the newest trick is really very smart. If there's a seat that he wants and someone else is occupying it, he distracts them out of it. For instance, the other day, Z was sitting on a stool watching his favorite show and minding his business. Marc-Adam decided he wanted that stool (that we have three of, by the way) and started to push and pull and yell at Z to get up. When Zachary held his ground, or his bottom as it may be, Marc-Adam went over to the TV and turned the channel. Zachary got up to turn it back and went back to his seat. But by that time Marc-Adam had already run over and plopped himself on to it. That's really very smart. And funny. To me at least, and only until he uses the same trick on me to get the computer chair.

And an update on Stephen. I'm afraid to say much out of fear that I'm speaking too soon, but the last week has been really good. It seems we've weathered the worst of the attitude. For the most part, he's back to his normal sweet self. He has his moments, but really, don't we all? I'm still sleeping in his room, but I'm not ready to fight that battle yet. I want him to forget about being so oppositional and get back to being more compliant before I try to get out of there totally. Anyway, he's been sweet to both his brothers, too. And yesterday he asked if he could go get his new movie out of the car. I told him no and when he sweetly said, "Yes, ma'am", I praised him big time and told him that not only could he get it out in a little while, but that he could also watch it while eating dinner in the living room (which is a big treat around here). We've been talking a lot about getting out the foolishness, and the other day he told me that he didn't want to be foolish and that he was glad we were getting it out. I just about fell over...I had no idea it was actually sinking in.

They ARE a different species, you know

I think my boys need a little more influence from the younger female variety.

Z: Do bats bite people?

Me: No, they don't usually bite people.

Z: What do they eat? Girls?

I forgot about this....

I bookmarked this link a while back meaning to blog about it...you may think it's the dumbest link ever shared, but I find it fascinating. I guess if you start thinking real hard (which I never have time to do) you could probably start figuring out that we're all related really. But I find these kinds of genetics stories really interesting.

Wordless Wednesday--What you get when the kids get a hold of the camera

Play Ball!

Stephen had his first t-ball game on Saturday. Except for the time he was digging in the dirt and dancing while playing short stop, and spinning in circles while on 2nd base, he did awesome! He scored 3 runs and hit the ball like a pro. Not to mention how stinkin' cute he was in his outfit uniform. (I wish I could figure out how to upload the video so I could post his hits...maybe I'll work on that.)

Can you help?

My bloggy friend Kate is in need of some help. If you or anyone you know has had experience with depression/biploar disorder, taking medications for them and being pregnant or trying to conceive while on meds, hop over to her blog and let her know your experience. She could really use some real-life advice/encouragement. THANKS!

My Journey

I haven't talked/posted much about the spiritual retreat I went on a few weeks ago. I suppose it took a while to process it all and I have had other, more pressing issues at hand. But now that I'm outside of the experience there and am applying it to my real life, I can honestly say that it's changed my life as I see it.

Before this retreat, I struggled with this tiny voice on a running loop in the back of my head telling me that I was not good at anything, I was unlovable, I was a failure, I would never do anything significant, and that I would never really matter. I don't know where "The Voice" came from or when it started, but it went on and on all the time, until I believed it and had begun to really loathe myself. I also struggled with some serious doubts and questions in my faith. I felt like, even though I wanted to, I couldn't really believe in anything firmly because I had too many doubts and far too many questions. So I felt like a fake, going to church and talking to my kids about God. But I wanted to be there and I wanted to have what I perceive other people to have. And honestly, I thought that I thought that God loved me, but I discovered that I never really did know it deep down. I thought that my inability to become closer to God was because of my doubts. I thought that God didn't really want me to be close or that I didn't deserve to be close to him because I couldn't say that I believed everything that I was supposed to believe without a doubt.

But it turns out, that wasn't it at all. It turns out that I had convinced myself so deeply that I was not good enough (for no particular reason at all) that I didn't think it was possible for God to love me like I've heard people say that he loves his children. I thought that it applied to everyone else, but I just wasn't good enough. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried I was never able to accomplish the relationship with God that I wanted. I was just using my doubts as an excuse.

About a week after I returned from the retreat (and things started to settle down around here), I was laying in bed praying one night and I realized there was silence in my head. Silence. The Voice had been silenced. I finally accepted God's love for myself and The Voice had nothing else to say about me. Because I know God loves me, and even if I never accomplish a single thing in my life ever again, God loves me. And the questions I have? They're still there. I still wonder and doubt. But that's okay, because it doesn't matter anymore. I realized that I don't have to know for sure every thing I wanted to know. Because I know the one thing that many people never get a chance to realize in this life. God loves me exactly as I am. And nothing I do or say or is going to add to that or take away from it. It's just there. And life will be much easier if I accept it and embrace it. And I have. Finally.

I have to end with a quote from one of the kids' Veggie Tales books:

God loves you, too, and he wants you to know, he's right there beside you, where ever you go.

Do you need this today?

I sure did.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ~Galatians 6:9

Slowly....

We are making progress with Stephen. I've spent so much time praying for him, over him, with him that God's probably helping us out just so we quit talking about it so much. Yesterday, Stephen really surprised me and did some really sweet, selfless things for his brothers (he even wiped Z's bum while Marc-Adam was passed out on my chest). And we had a long discussion last night and we ALL agreed that last night would be the last night that I was going to sleep in his room. That was even his idea. If he sleeps in his bed, while I sleep in mine, tonight and the next two nights, then he gets to spend the night with my IL's on Thursday. And I even threw in a trip to Wally World for a new computer game if he does well (although, I might change that to a new Webkinz since he's been asking for a new one). Because I'm desperate to be sleeping in my own bed again. I'm not sure it'll actually happen tonight. In fact, I'm about 80% sure that I'll still be camped out in their room by the end of the week. Maybe that's just the pessimist in me.

But really, even though we've had some tough moments when the attitude reared its ugly head, it has gotten better. I'm clinging to the progress and hoping that we keep moving in that direction to get things back to normal.

Finally

I've been a little lazy with the upkeep of my blog, but I've finally updated my side bar. I had some old links up there (come to think of it, I might still need to change one). And I'm not at home, so I'm afraid I might be leaving out some really important link from my bookmarks. But I'll check again when I get a chance. So check out some of the newer additions (there's only a couple right now) if you feel browsing some new blogs....assuming of course, that you're not already reading all the ones I'm reading. :)

AND Happy Easter to you all. Honestly, I think Easter is my favorite holiday of all. I could do without all the pastel bunnies and chicks and sugar highs, though. My kids don't really even know that some families have the Easter Bunny come to their house. I don't think Zachary has ever had an Easter basket from us. I think Stephen had one for his first Easter and not since. But I honestly love Easter and the renewal I feel because of it. And I love that we get to spend time with family without the pressure of gifts. So Happy Easter. I hope you enjoy the pastel bunnies and chicks and sugar highs, if you like those kinds of things. But most of all I hope you are reminded of God's love for you. Because, really, that's what it's all about.

Anyone have a magic wand?

Y'all, I wish I had some happy ending update and that I could stop posting about our issues with Stephen. And I don't want to sound like I'm whining or complaining, because that's not it. It's just that it's still hard and I'm worried. I seriously didn't think I would have to deal with stuff like this until he was 10 or 16 or something. The attitude. I almost have to make sure I set a place at the table for it. And give it a bath. Because it has taken over my sweet little child.

Things had been going so well for such a long time. I honestly thought that I had it easy with Stephen. I thought that since he was so well behaved and sweet that if I stayed consistent with him, the road from here to puberty would be smooth sailing. I have become those mothers I've judged for so long. You know, the mothers in the grocery store whose child slaps them and the mother does nothing? Well, if he hit me in the store, I would do something, but it would probably be just firmly telling him no hitting and then leaving. Because beyond that, I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how to handle the attitude, the arguing, the whining, the doubting, the heavy sighing, the eye rolling....etc, etc. It goes on all. day. long. If I came down on him and corrected every single thing that I don't allow him to do, I would correcting him every minute of every day. Even when I try to start us on an activity that I know he enjoys, if he doesn't get to be the boss/be first/call the shots/get the best or biggest, then things fall apart and things get ugly. I just don't know what to do.

I've been in a state of almost constant prayer. And survival mode. One foot in front of the other kind of thing. I feel like I've lost his respect somehow. He seems to doubt and question every thing I say or do. Which is putting HUGE doubts in my head about homeschooling and makes me worry about what I tell him about God. Because it's like he doesn't want to believe anything I say. And that is breaking my heart.

While I'm recommending stuff....

These are must for your next party or taco night. Or for when you just need a simple snack. I don't buy chips at all, ever, unless it fits in with a meal (which means I only ever buy tortilla chips for taco night). But these, I think will make it on to my grocery list anytime I have a few extra bucks. Or maybe we'll be having a taco night at least once a week. Oh my word, they are good.

Fun Family Flick

I dare you to try to say that title 5 times fast.

Anyhoo, Sweet Hubby and I picked up Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium the other day for us to watch while the kids were sleeping over at their grandparents' houses. We ended up falling asleep about 30 minutes into it (we are a wild and crazy couple of people), but those first 30 minutes were so cute and sweet that we decided to watch it as a family the next afternoon. The kids loved it and actually sat still for the majority of it.

It's just an all-around sweet, fun movie. It's colorful, funny and has a good message. There's one utterance of the word "idiot" (when Mr. Magorium was talking about his pet Zebra, Mortimer), but other than that, there's no potty humor, foul language or name-calling (which are the three biggies when I'm considering a movie for my kids).

So I give it two mommy thumbs up for a family movie. It's definitely fun for everyone.

Oh, and don't just turn it off when the credits start rolling...even the credits are entertaining!

Are you tired of this yet?

I know my going on and on about our issues with Stephen is probably wearing thin with my readers. But it's this or nothin' since this is what's on my mind. And I need proof that he wasn't an angel child all his life when my grandkids are 5 and I'm wondering why in the world my son and daughter-in-law can't control them. Because I'm pretty sure that's something I would do.

So it's obvious that there are some pretty serious things going on in Stephen's mind and heart. I think my absence really shook up his world, so I've engaged in full-scale damage control. Last night, Sweet Hubby blew up our air mattress and I camped out in the kids' room for the entire night. And the plan is that I'm going to keep doing that until Stephen is feeling more secure. Honestly, I think it's the only way that anyone is going to sleep until we get this sorted out. I have no idea how I'm going to get out of their room and back into my own bed when that time comes, but I have been prayerful about the whole situation, so I'm hopeful that the how and when will be clear when the time comes. Until then, I'm going to praise him big time when we all get a good night's sleep and I'm going to take the stress and pressure off. It was just too much for all of us. It was running our whole family for a few days and no one was happy. I've reminded him several times that I'm only sleeping in there for a little while. Last night, he was under the impression that I was only sleeping in there for one night. And I didn't correct him. Truth is that Sweet Hubby have decided to commit a month to this. So hopefully this time next month I'll be reporting to you that all is back to normal or that we've concocted a new normal that we are all happy with (which I promise will include me sleeping in my bed and him sleeping in his).

Until then, I'll probably be achy and tired. The thought of sleeping on an air mattress for a couple of weeks makes me want to run out and by an economy size bottle of extra strength pain reliever. But it's worth it to help Stephen know that even though it might have been shaken up a bit, his foundation is still there and is still firm.

Pray for us?

I don't think I've ever asked for prayer on my blog before. But one of the things I learned this past weekend was that people really do care, even if they have their own issues going on in their lives. And I learned to lean not so much on myself and my own faith, but to also reach out when I'm struggling.

I mentioned in my last post about the terrible night that we had with Stephen on Sunday night. Monday night was better, but only because I did everything I could to keep the stress level down, even if it meant doing things I would not normally do. But I felt we were in survival mode. Last night, my in-laws offered to take the kids so we could get a little more rest. Especially since Sweet Hubby had to work today. Starting tonight, I think we're going to take a "2 night on, 2 night off" strategy, so Sweet Hubby and I can both get a couple of nights rest until we get this sorted out. On an up note, I just put everyone down for a nap and Stephen laid down without much of a fuss. Yesterday at naptime, he started the same antics as he pulled the night before. But today, he made sure several times that I wasn't going to take a nap. He asked me to turn on my TV (our rooms are right across the hall from each other) and asked if I would get on the computer instead of laying down to take a nap. That seemed to be important to him. I don't usually let my kids dictate to me what to do, but he asked sweetly and it seemed important, so I told him I would. He doesn't normally take a nap, but since his night sleep has been suffering (and we'll be having a late bedtime tonight because we have church) I've been trying to get him to nap to make up for what he's missing at night. I realize it could be an ugly cycle, but again, we're in survival mode.

The thing is, it's not just his nights that are out of whack. His entire attitude has changed. Part of me thinks that he might be reacting to the fact that I was gone for 4 days (and on top of that, we couldn't even talk during that time). But he's never really been a child who reacts negatively (especially THIS negatively) to change. So that might not even be it. He's been more and more disrespectful, disobedient, whiny, impatient, uncooperative and almost angry. And like I mentioned before, he doesn't seem to care about consequences. Perhaps this all stemming from him being tired.

Anyway, I'm really struggling with this because I feel like this is a reflection of MY parenting. He's never been like this. And I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just love him through this, but I don't want it to seem like I'm giving him permission to act so ugly to all of us.

So pray for Stephen, please. Pray that whatever is going on in his little heart will come out so we can deal with it. Pray that he knows that he's loved and safe here. Pray for Sweet Hubby and I that we can have the wisdom to handle these issues and that we can do so in a way that brings all of us closer to God. Pray that the nighttime issues resolve quickly because we all know how the bad stuff gets magnified if we don't have enough sleep. And pray for me that I can get through this without losing my cool and without feeling like a complete failure.

Thanks. It feels good just to get that little bit off my chest.

I am tired.

In case you were wondering about me, I had a fabulous weekend. The first evening and morning I was there, I wasn't sure that I had made the right decision by going. But by Sunday afternoon, I didn't want to leave. Actually I did want to come home and see my family, but I wanted to bring everyone else from the camp home with me. It was a wonderfully stretching experience for me (in more ways than one) and I feel like I'm a different person.

While there, I didn't cook, clean or wipe anyone's butt (praise God, since my children weren't there, lol). I didn't even think about what might be happening elsewhere in the world and it never occurred to me until this morning that I didn't watch Fox News for 4 days and I didn't even think about it! I ate more than I think I've eaten in the last month and the food was so so good.

One of the last things we talked about before we all departed the camp was the protective "bubble" we had been in for the last few days. It was mentioned that probably each of us had changed, but the world that we were returning to was probably very much the same and that at some point, our bubble would be popped. Someone was going to pop our bubble. As soon as that was said, I knew who was going to pop my bubble. And I was right. What I didn't expect was how and how soon.

All day Sunday I was looking forward to going home, hugging my children and putting them to bed so I could rest (I got about as much sleep this weekend as one would get in a youth group church camp) and decompress. But Stephen obviously had other ideas. He refused to sleep. He fought, and screamed and carried on for FIVE HOURS after we put them to bed. He did things and acted in ways that he never has before and that are totally out of his character. And as a result, I acted in ways I hadn't before and for a good part of the fight, I did not handle myself well. For about 2 hours, I acted totally calm and ignored him for a while. Sweet Hubby and I tag-teamed for a while, but it didn't seem to make a difference. And then the exhaustion hit me and I had had it. I think I was too rough with him. Finally, at about 2am, with Z in bed with Sweet Hubby and me sleeping in Z's bed, we all went to sleep. Marc-Adam woke us up a little before 9am, so we did get a good chunk of sleep, but it wasn't near what Stephen needed to make up for his antics last night.

He's spent the majority of the morning in his bed as punishment. He came out for breakfast and lunch. I did go in there and spend some time with him just he and I thinking that maybe all this behavior was result of his need to reconnect with me after me having been gone for four days. I told him that if he laid down and took a nap, that he could join us as normal in the living room after naps. But at naptime, he picked up right where he left off. The crying and screaming started over again and currently he's in my room with me and will be returning to his bed when the other 2 boys wake up from their nap.

Another layer to this is the fact that he and Z share a room. I don't know what to do about that because a lot of his screaming starts in his room. I'm thinking about moving Z into Marc-Adam's room (he seemed to sleep through most of the drama last night) for tonight so that Stephen won't bother them as much if he starts carrying on again tonight. Oh and I'm on my own tonight because Sweet Hubby won't be home till around 11pm.

I'm at a loss as what to do. I'm tired. Stephen's tired. At one point last night just before it all finally ended, I was speaking to him sternly with him standing up in front of me and he started falling asleep standing up. He has deep, dark circles under his eyes today. I didn't get a whole lot of rest this weekend and it was emotionally draining, which sometimes can make you even more tired than a weekend full of physical activity. I just want to rest and love on my kids and spend time with them and be peaceful. But now I'm just more tired, mad, and not at all peaceful. I have loved on them, but most of the time I've been home has been filled with the power struggles with Stephen. I have no idea how to react to him. He's saying ugly, hateful things that he's never said before and none of the usual consequences matter. I don't like him very much right now. I'm trying to be graceful, but this problem needs to be fixed and I don't know how to fix it.

Mommy's gettin' a vay-cay

I'm going to be away from my computer for a few days starting tomorrow morning, so I won't be blogging. I feel the need to tell you that lest you think I'm actually near my computer--and not blogging. Because I wouldn't want to mislead you.

I'm going on a sort of spiritual retreat. And I'd like to be spiritually mature enough to tell you that I'm looking forward to growing in my relationship with God and learning better how to serve Him. And I am looking forward to that. But really, y'all. The main thing that's been on my mind when I think about the 4 WHOLE DAYS that I'm going to be gone is that I might actually be able to have a full adult conversation and eat an entire hot meal without having to get up eleventy-two times and oh, sweet mercy, not having to clean up 47 times (or thinking that I should be cleaning up 47 times, because let's face it, that's what I actually do). Anything I get out of this beyond that is just icing on the cake. So it's safe to say that I don't have many expectations for this weekend. I'm thinking that's a good thing because I'm more open to whatever's going to happen and not clouded by what I think should happen.

So y'all be good and have fun while I'm gone. But not too much because it would kill me to know that I missed anything really good.

You're voting, right?

Most of my readership is here in Texas, so I hope that most of you have voted or are going to vote later today. You can also take part in your caucus/precinct convention after the polls are closed. I'm still learning about what that really means, so I'm not sure I'll be participating in that. But do SOMETHING today, if you haven't already.

So because it's my blog and I can blather on if I want to, I'll tell you my thoughts (although most of you have probably already heard my thoughts and are tired of them...but once again, it's my blog, blah blah blah).

I was just about ready to get behind Rush Limbaugh's idea of conservatives voting for Hillary to keep the dems fighting and throw them off a bit. But then I decided that election officials probably frown upon voters vomiting on the voting machines and I'm pretty sure that's what I would do if my little dial-y thing went anywhere near her name. So, I'm voting for McCain. Now, I know many conservatives have a beef with McCain, but at this point in the process, I really think he could be the beauty contest winner in ugly town (in other words, the lesser of all the evils). And honestly, I think I like him. I'm a conservative, but a more moderate conservative. Not hard-core at all. I've heard of the repubs and conservatives (apparently, there's a difference, but I'm not sure what that is) saying that when they voted for McCain it wouldn't be for McCain. It would be against Clintama. I can say for certain that my vote is for McCain. You want to talk about experience? He's got to be our man.

And can I just say that if I hear the phrases "Ready to lead on day one" and "Hope/Change we can believe in" one more time, I just may vomit?

Funny how this process can bring up so many references to vomit.

Mind if I gripe?

Can I just say I loathe this show? I do. On many levels.

I've been seeing the commercials for it for a while, and I've been grumbling about it. But I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt, hoping that the commercials were making it out to be different than it really was (TV execs have NEVER done that to us before, have they?).

So I watched it last night. And I can't say too many general things I hate about it, but I just do. The idea is that they take a "soccer mom" and give her a taste of the career she "gave up" to be a mom. This first mom has been a SAHM for 10 years. Before making the decision to stay at home she had been in the fashion industry. So the show offers her work with a fashion designer for a week. The catch is that no one in her family knows she doing it, not even her husband. They think it's a show about rewarding moms and she's at the spa. My thought is does the husband know she's thinking about working outside the home again? Have they discussed it? Is he on board?

Anyway, she shows up for her first day of work and they tell her that the next 3 days are going to be chaotic because they (she?) have (has) to design, pattern, make and fit 3 dresses for a show. Over the course of the next few days, it shows mom stressing out, while the other "real" employees act slightly snotty discussing whether or not they think she can hack it. Once she does something well, they act surprised that she's good at it and at one point, the main designer says, "I actually do" when asked if she like one of the mom's sketches. She actually does? And someone else says, "She's doing better than anyone expected." What were they expecting? Because she's been "just a mom" for several years now she must be an idiot? Then when mom is talking about the deadlines she must make, she says, "Here it's 'produce, produce, produce' while at home, it's just mellow." Wha....? Is she serious? Maybe I'm looking at it a little differently because not only am I a SAHM, but I'm also a homeschooler, but I wouldn't call anything about my "job" mellow. I have more freedom in my days than a normal 9-5, but that doesn't mean it's mellow. But I digress.

Meanwhile, dad's at home taking care of the kids. The show does a good job of making the dad look like an idiot (but isn't that what all of TV does?). At one point it shows the preschooler drinking from and subsequently spilling a container of coffee creamer while dad's just around the corner. Dad seems to have no clue what's going on and when the girl says "I clean it", he says something and then continues to hang laundry. Later on, the two younger kids get into diaper rash cream. It also shows dad saying that SAHMs take everything too seriously, but he later redeems himself by saying he has a new respect for everything that goes in to staying at home with young kids. Still, I was wondering, has he had no idea the entire time that he's had kids that it's hard to care for them?

Later in the show, the people at the design house are coming around to the fact that the mom has talent. She does well on an in-house fashion show and one stylist says she wants one the mom's designs for one of the big name celebrities she dresses.

Toward the end, when mom is coming back, dad says he's looking forward to having his wife home and getting back to normal. When she gets home, everyone comes clean and the mom tells her husband what she's actually been doing for the week (remember, he thought she was at a spa). She then gets offered a full-time job with the designer. She's obviously excited, but that's a huge decision to have to make. Then they tell her that she needs to decide before the end of the day and she would start the following Monday. The host and the designer both mention a few more times how the family needs to hurry and make the decision.

It was obvious she was going to take the job. In a discussion with her husband, she even says that she didn't "mind relying on babysitters" if her kids got sick. That's just a hard thing for me to imagine given that she's stayed at home for 10 years. Anyway, her hubby was very encouraging and supportive of her and told her that he just wants her to be happy. He also says that this opportunity has given her something that he couldn't...completeness. And then I gagged. She takes the job and the show makes sure to show that they all live happily ever after. Well, not really. But it does show the big name celebrity wearing one of the mom's designs in a nationally televised performance.

So, okay. I didn't really go into it with an unbiased and open mind. But at first the people on the show act like she couldn't possibly "make it" in their industry because she's been at-home for so long. Then they act surprised when she does well. THEN the show leans toward how great it would be for her to take the job (thereby implying what a disappointment it would be if she decided to "just stay home" again). And it implied that dad was an idiot. I hate that.

I will say that I did enjoy the fashion industry part of it. That was fun.

So there you go. I had to get that out. Perhaps I'm too sensitive and a little insecure. Maybe not. All I know is that I really didn't appreciate the entire tone of this show. I will not be watching it again. But I encourage you to, to form your own opinion. And tell me if I'm wrong.

Hell must be having a cold front

My Zachary does not like eggs. It must be two years now that he's refused eggs in any form. Usually, when the kids don't like a certain food, I make them have it on their plate anyway and sometimes I make them taste again, just to make sure they still don't like it. But not eggs with Zachary. I've given up. He's so adamant about not having an egg anywhere near his plate, that now I usually make him a different meal if we're having eggs or he just eats the meal without them.

Tonight, Stephen asked to have a boiled egg with dinner. So I made 4 boiled eggs...one for me, one for the neighbor girl and one each for Stephen and M-A. As I was cracking them, Zachary runs in and says, "Can I hold an egg, Mama?" I asked if he was going to eat it, because he couldn't just walk around holding an egg. He hesitated a bit. I told him he had to try one bite before I gave him one "to hold". Without so much as a grimace he took a huge bite out of one end. Y'all, this was a special occasion. I got out my camera, in the middle of dinner, and started calling family members. His daddy thought I was being sarcastic or playing a joke.

He ended up eating the whole thing except for half the yolk. Turns out he's still not too fond of the yellow. I can't say I blame him. I prefer the white as well.

When Zachary was a toddler he never ate fruit. He only ate dried fruit pieces. And when we were visiting a family friend for a party, he ate a grape. We were around a bunch of people who didn't know us and they must have thought I was an idiot when I was jumping up and down, yelling, "He ate a grape! He ate a grape!" But tonight, everyone in the house shared in my joy that he ate an egg. He even agreed to taste one of his daddy's fried egg sandwiches.

Another dose of brotherly love

Yesterday after we got home from church, Stephen started taking an ugly tone with Zachary. I reminded him that we use kind words, even when we don't want to.

Then he says, "Oh yeah, we learned in church to use kind words even with evil people."

"Does not stay on task"

We were supposed to be building the number 412. Instead, we ended up with this:

This girl deserves it!

My cousin Katie is pregnant with #4 and her sweet sister has nominated her for a virtual baby shower. The winner gets an amazing amount of really cool, really nice new baby stuff. Now a girl with 4 kids deserves to get the really cool, really nice baby stuff. And you can help her!! Click here and go vote! It's super easy so it won't take but a few seconds of your time. You get one vote per computer, so use any computer you have. Why are you still here? What are you waiting for? Let's help Katie win it!

Sigh

Sweet Hubby and I are getting ready to pay off our last credit card with our tax refund. That's exciting. We've been looking forward to doing that for a year.

But.

Then I go and have to have a root canal and two crowns. Grrr. So now we're about $1600 in debt again (not counting the cars and house). Thankfully, we were able to get a line of credit through the dentist's office with a low interest rate AND low monthly payment and we're thinking we can get it paid off with NEXT year's tax refund or Sweet Hubby's yearly bonus (that he's not getting this year).

*sigh*

One step forward, one step back.

Yay!

I'm so proud of myself. I've been menu planning for a while now, but I've got it down to a science and the last several weeks, I've been able to get a week's worth of groceries for anywhere between $75 and $90. That includes paper products (paper towels, TP, diapers, etc) and other consumables (dish detergent, laundry detergent, razors, vitamins, etc) and we don't eat out. I plan for all three meals for at least 6 days...one day of the week we might eat at my folks' or the IL's for dinner and we usually eat lunch with them at least one day on the weekend. So for 18 meals (I plan every meal and snack) for the five of us and a week's worth of snacks, I get out under $100. I used to spend so much more. AND we still ate out.

And what I'm really impressed with is that we're acutally eating pretty well. I've always complained that it's hard to eat healthy on a tight budget because the good for you food is so much more expensive. But with the menu planning, we're still eating fruits and veggies and whole grains and not too many convenience foods. We still eat boxed mac and cheese about once a week and the kids love their canned soups, but other than that, I'm cooking from scratch so we're eating well.

A family of 5 eating for under $360 a month...YAY!

An inside peek at the working of Zachary's mind

These are the random thoughts that came out of Zachary's mouth today over lunch (and they were indeed in this order):

"In the bible, it says God made me. If you get sick, you eat good food. If your body gets sick, you eat good food, not bad food. Like blueberry pie. That's good."

I don't think he's ever even had bluberry pie.

He's on a roll....

Stephen got a Backyardigans CD for his birthday. In one of the songs, the Backyardigans are pretending to be journalists on TV station in corn country. One character sings, "W-I-O-Wa, corniest station in the nation." But she's not real clear in her enunciating. So this is what Stephen hears, and then walks around singing (censored a bit to keep the weirdos out):

"W-I-O-Wa, h*rniest station in the nation!"

He also has a game with little worms. He thinks one of the worms has horns and he calls it....the h*rny worm.

Then yesterday morning over breakfast, this question fell onto my plate:

"Mom, how does God put the baby in your belly?"

Our new gallery, some t-ball and more!

It's been a busy bloggy day for me!! But I've been meaning to post some of these pics for a while (not the first one, because I just took it).

Check out our new "gallery" I just put up this morning.



It's simple, but I'm proud of it. The kids were so excited to have their art hung up. It's just yarn pinned to the wall and the art is hung with those little clothes clip-py things (I can't think of the word right now for some reason...). It's fun and it's a cute touch to the playroom.

Stephen had t-ball tryouts on Monday. He did GREAT. They had 3 batting attempts and 3 catch attempts. He hit the ball 2 out of 3 swings and caught the ball 2 or 3 times (I can't remember now).



And this is how I caught Marc-Adam the other day:



Now, I'm not sure if the stool was already in the kitchen or if it was actually up against the wall like that, but this is slightly scary to me. That kid is trouble!

And here's a cute one of Z. He just tuckers out sometimes and finds a soft place to fall.

Thanks

Thanks for all your kind words from this post. It really did help me feel better. Sometimes it's better just to know I'm not alone. Not that I want anyone else to feel this way, but it's comforting to know it's normal that I feel this way and it's not just because I'm crazy or because I really am inadequate. The feeling of isolation is the worst sometimes for me, so it helps that even though I still feel isolated, I'm not really alone.

It seems like I've been running on all cylinders lately. I used to go to bed at 9pm or so and get up at 7 or 8am. Recently, I'm lucky to get to sleep by 11pm or midnight. That was fine for a few days, but after a couple weeks, I really started to feel it. And it kinda feels like I'm on a hamster wheel...running and running till I'm out of breath and need some water only to look behind me and see that I've gotten nowhere--the house is still a mess, the kids are still fighting and Sweet Hubby's on his way home.

Yesterday afternoon, I had folded laundry, run to the store with the kids, read with the kids and then started dinner. I had spent a couple hours in the kitchen preparing dinner and getting ready for today. By the time dinner was finally done (and it was SO good!), I realized it was just about bedtime, so I gave the kids their sleepytime tea, cleaned up dinner quickly, got them dressed in jammies and off to bed (with an extra chapter in the book I'm reading with them and an extra snuggle since Daddy wasn't home). As soon as I was done with them, I sat down with the neighbor girl for an hour and a half to help her with her math. I was feeling good about everything I had gotten done, but I was feeling whipped. Sweet Hubby then comes home and I remember that I forgot to take his movie back to the Red Box...he wasn't happy. He then lets me know that I left his favorite jammie pants in the washing machine. I wanted to yell at him so badly, but I just calmly apologized and went back to focusing on helping the neighbor girl (I really should give her a better name than that) convert millimeters to meters. That's all I could do at the time.

So I'm trying to take it one task (or sometimes one second) at a time. I'm not sure if this is all because of my stage in life and my circumstances (which means it may get better at some point) or if it's me. I suppose it could be both.

Anyway, thanks again. I love my bloggy circle! Bloggy hugs all around.

Confirmed

I found another link concerning the issue in my last post. I don't even give my kids' SS numbers to their doctor or to our insurance company. They threaten not to cover the kids, but we've never had an issue. I don't trust the schools enough to give them that information and I certainly don't trust any third party they might give my kids' information to.

This is interesting...and scary!

And yet another reason to homeschool.....

I'll admit, I haven't checked around for myself to see if this is true, but this came from a reliable source on a homeschool e-mail loop that I'm a part of. The comment at the bottom that says "My Comment" is not actually my comment, but the comment of the person who posted it.

TRACKING KINDERGARTENERS

Texas school districts are handing over Social Security numbers, dates of
birth and other sensitive information about the state's kindergarten
students to a private software company without permission from the
children's parents. State education officials who set up the unusual
arrangement insist that the information is safe. But some educators and
parents worry about sending student Social Security numbers to a private
company hired to store kindergarten reading test scores. A privacy expert
says thousands of 5- and 6-year-olds are vulnerable to identity theft as a
result.

"I would hope that any company that had the financial future of every single
kindergartner in Texas would be put through the mill as far as security,"
said David Holtzman, a former security analyst who wrote the book Privacy
Lost. "This is more valuable than a million dollars in gold coins in the
bank." More than 350,000 children attend public school kindergarten in
Texas.

My comment: interesting number of kindergarteners. If those kids
homeschooled, we would double the number of homeschoolers in Texas, wow,
what a concept! Yes, feel free to forward to all your friends with
Kindgarteners.

The inner demons

I have to interrupt this usually light-hearted mommy blog to get a little serious. This probably is a little more than I usually would put "out there", but I've had it on my heart and on my shoulders to talk about it for a while. I'm probably going to regret it tomorrow, but I'm about to "get real" and talk about things that are quite personal to me, so if you can't take this kind of thing, feel free to move on to your next read.

I have this constant and insatiable need for encouragement and validation. I'll take it from just about anybody, but mostly I just want it from my husband--who doesn't quite get exactly what I need and why I need it, so most of the time, I don't get it from him. It's not his fault, and I don't blame him at all. It's just not in his personality. I feel like it's my fault and something I need to work out for myself. Why do I constantly need someone telling me that I'm great and fabulous and my kids are wonderful and it's all because of me and the messy house isn't important because I'm focusing on my kids and I'm smart and funny and on and on and on.....Why is that so important to me and why does my emotional well-being depend on it so much? Obviously, there's no one person on the face of this earth who's purpose it is to make sure that I'm feeling encouraged and validated and that I'm feeling emotionally stable. But it's almost like that's what it would take in order for me to finally feel good about me.

I feel like I just can't get a grip. Things will be going great for a while and I'll feel like I'm on top of things! and life is great! I'm great! and I can do this! But then one small thing happens and it all comes down and I'm no good at my "job", I can't do this, I'm such a loser, life sucks and no one really cares. Surely this can't be normal.

And then I beat myself up because I have in my mind all these things that I want to be and do and make better so that maybe I can move past the constant feeling of inadequacy. But then I do nothing about any of it. I see it all, wishing I would/could change it, but then I do nothing. Maybe it's because I know in my heart that I won't actually be able to accomplish it all. Maybe it's because it's not possible that I can accomplish it all. Either way, it doesn't matter, because it's not happening.

It seems like no one else has this constant struggle in life or within themselves. Or maybe it's just that no one talks about it. I just want things to settle down and be mundane for a while. I just want to worry about doing the laundry and finding the right curriculum and not what disappointment is next. I want to feel like I'm not always getting knocked down. I want to feel capable and adequate and like life is good. But I'm just not sure that I'll ever get there.

Maybe the angels want to save a little money.

Stephen and Zachary found a Nemo birthday card that Sweet Hubby's grandmother had sent for Zachary's birthday (this is the same grandmother that passed away last month). Zachary was excited because he "found Nemo!". Stephen read the card and looked at me and said, "Mom, how did Great Grandma send Zachary a card? Do they have Wal*Mart in heaven?"

A friendly Public Service Announcement

When attempting to steam vegetables, it is wise to actually use, you know, water. Not doing so may result in a ruined pot, ruined vegetables, a smelly house and well, you may just piss yourself off.

Not that I have any experience with this particular situation, though. I just thought I'd pass that little helpful tidbit along.

Good influence, or bad? You be the judge.

First Dunkin' Donuts, then blogging, now this. I'm addicted.

There are a couple of you reading this who are responsible for my addictions. You know who you are......I don't have enough time or money to keep jumpin' on your bandwagons! :)

Five

Dearest Stephen,



How can it be that you are already five? Seems like just yesterday we met and I fell in love with you. Seems like just a few minutes ago that you were so so tiny and yet changed us forever. And now, here you are. A full five years old going on 35.

You have accomplished SO MUCH this year. Your daddy and I just can't believe how smart you are. We started dipping our toes in the waters of homeschooling this year and you have just taken off. You just won't stop reading anything you get your hands on. Sometimes, you'll ask me to read a book to you and Zachary and as soon as I open it, you start reading it. You are reluctant to do your math, but you excel in it as well. You can do simple math, count to 100 and skip count by 10s. We also delved a bit this year into bugs and dinosaurs because you were so interested in them. But school isn't the only way you are so smart....it's easy to hold a conversation with you and your logic always surprises me. You just seem to "get" things that seem way beyond you.



I have loved watching your personality develop. Everyday, I feel like I'm getting to know who you are and who you will be. You are full of energy from the time you wake up until your tired little head hits your pillow at night. You love playing superheros, jumping from couch to couch and back again, saving the day. You love loud movies, fast cars and rough-housing. You love to wrestle with just about anybody. But you also have your serious side. We all have to be careful not to tease you too much...you're a little sensitive to being laughed at and unlike your brothers, you don't usually like being the center of attention.

Your innate sense of right and wrong is so strong and although I worry about you a little when you get among other kids, I know deep down that you will stand up for what's right (I'm not sure it's even normal for a 5 year old to do that!). One day a few months ago, while playing with a new little girl friend at a play area, the girl told you that a bigger boy had just pushed her down. You immediately asked her who and started gathering a posse to find him and tell him that that was wrong and he should not have pushed her down. After I talked you down (and took the torch and pitchfork out of your hand), I was so proud of you. I knew right then and there that I would always be able to trust you to do the right thing. And because of that, you are also and awesome big brother. When you think I'm not listening or watching, I've seen you guide your little brother to do the right thing (and when he still doesn't do the right thing, I can trust you to quickly come and tattle). You struggle with being the big brother sometimes, but I can always see how much you love your brothers...hugging them and kissing them. And I know you didn't see me there, but I saw you making sure Zachary had his lovey and enough covers on that cold night.



You are becoming such a little man. And it is so much fun getting to do all the things with you that I've waited for. Your first bike, your first theater movie and today, I signed you up for T-ball. Your daddy and I have waited for to share all these things with you. Watching you grow up has been the most fun I've ever had. You are sweet, fun, kind, smart and just a blessing to know. And I'm the most blessed of all, 'cause I get to be your mom. I can't wait till you get to be a little older because I just know that once you understand the world a little better, you and I are going to be great friends. You've already taught me so much. I thank God every day that I get to be a part of you growing up into the wonderful person you are becoming. You are one person who will leave the world a better place than it was before you were in it.



I love you, Stephen. For so many reasons, you're first five years were the best of my life....and it only gets better.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy.
Love,
Mom

More things I can't believe I've had to say:

"Stephen, give your brother back his arm. Zachary, give Stephen his eye back."


"No, you may not spit on your underwears. "


"GET OUT OF THE TOILET!!"


"GET OUT OF THE TRASH!!"

Just a bunch of words.

I don't have much to say, but feel like I should blog. I just always have this feeling that I'm not interesting. That my life isn't interesting and worth typing out on a public blog for other real people to read. I think the only people truly interested in what I put out here are (is? are? ahhh, whatever) my parents. So I have a hard time thinkin' up things to blog about. Because you don't really want to hear about how we had to leave the children's museum early today because it was so.stinking.crowded and I was panicked that I would lose track of one of my children. Or about how I want to highlight my hair and bought a box of DIY stuff but am nervous to use it. Or about how I can't find a good solution for cleaning my floors. But those are the most interesting things in my life. So I have to dig deep for blog fodder.

I suppose I could talk about my neighbor girl, the 11-year-old I mentioned in my last post or last week or something like that. She is such a sweetheart. And I'm growing to love her like one of my own children. She was with us all day today because she was out of school for MLK day. I just have the best time with her and I half-joked with her that I wish she could hang out with us all day, everyday. She's great with the boys (and they adore her) and we seem to have the same kind of sense of humor. Her mom is thinking about moving at the end of the school year and I begin to get a sick, panicky feeling when I think about that possibility. Being with her makes me ache so badly for a daughter of my own and the thought of her not being around on a daily basis anymore makes it worse.

On a lighter note, I feel the need to mention that Marc-Adam climbed out of his crib last week. Without hurting himself. At some point in the process of getting out he had to have fallen some distance. But I had no idea he was out until I heard him banging on the door. Silly kid. He drives me batty, and yet, I just can't seem to get enough of him.

So, does anyone else feel like they have nothing interesting to say, but they just blog anyway?

It's like looking into the future...if I had a daughter

I've been "tutoring" (and I use that term loosely) our neighbor-girl in math. When I was her age, I hated math. Now? I love it. It's fun to me (my how things have changed). But her? She LOATHES it (notice the capital, bold AND italic letters). But she likes me and I think she likes spending time with me so I think that helps her get through the couple of hours we spend on her homework a couple nights a week. I have dreams of grandeur of turning her attitude about math around and helping her become a whiz at math. However, I'm beginning to doubt that I'll even be able to get her tolerate it long enough to have a working knowledge of the facts and the whys.

So at the end of the evenings that we work, I think she starts to wonder why she liked me to begin with. I don't let her get away with "winging" it. I don't let her pout or slouch or whine. I don't let her move on from a mistake unless she understands why she made the mistake and why it was wrong. I make her do a problem over and over till she gets it right (although, the third time or so, I'll look over her shoulder to help her correct her mistakes immediately to avoid doing the whole thing wrong again). That's about the time that she starts looking at me like I think my own 11 year old daughter would look at me...probably the way all 11 year old girls look at their mother at some point or another. The look that says that she wishes that the floor would open up and swallow one of us. But I want her to understand it. I want it to click for her and I want her to be proud of herself when it does. And above all I want her to not hate it so much. I'm just not sure that's possible.

And this whole experience has solidified in my mind that I don't want my kids to go to public school. At least not until they have learned HOW TO LEARN on their own. She comes home with this homework that takes 2 hours to do and she says that the teacher hasn't gone over how to do any of it. Or the teacher explained it in such a way that completely baffles my neighbor-girl. But then I've had a hard time figuring out how she learns so that I can teach her in a way that she understands.

I love this girl....but I'm going to need lots of patience and prayer to get the both of us through this.

And if you ask us to do anything, we'll tell you we saw the movie

*Updated with the link that I forgot to add that explains exactly what "The Pirates" are.

In honor of my 26th birthday, we took the boys to see The Pirates on Friday. Actually, the two things just happened to coincide, but honestly, it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

Stephen and Zachary had never been to a movie before. I've just been too afraid of what might happen and movie going is too expensive these days to risk having to leave half way through. But they're older now and more able to control themselves (or be controlled). So we got there really early and let them check everything out and get all the wigglies out before the movie started. They each got a popcorn or candy and a Sprite (a treat because we don't buy or supply them with soda, ever). Stephen had to call his Grammy to tell her that the movie screen was even bigger than her TV.

Once the movie started, they were already calmed down from their excitement and were more than ready to watch it. They both snuggled in after their Sprite was sucked down and the popcorn/candy had been inhaled (Zachary actually hand-fed me most of his popcorn, sweet boy) and giggled, laughed out loud, gasped and squealed. I think they had a great time and I was so glad that all went well. I was a little disappointed that the pirates didn't actually sing their song and the one time it was played at the end, it was interrupted.

Now we'll have to wait another 5 years for another appropriate movie to take them to.

I'm pretty sure I'm an idiot.

Okay, okay, so I know I'm not idiot. Most of the time. But I might be too scattered to be doing anything that involves any kind of contact with human beings. Or use of the english language.

Lately, I've been much better about checking over comments and e-mails I've been sending out and I can't believe how many mistakes I make. Spelling errors, extra words, words left out....you all must think I dropped out of school in the third grade (not that I think 3rd graders are idiots).

So let me assure you that I'm neither an idiot nor did I abandon formal schooling at the elementary level. I just think that my fingers move much slower than my brain (and if you've ever heard me talk, so does my mouth).

WFMW, Backwards Edition--Help with young toddler, please!

The baby is 14.5 months old and by far the most stubborn, persistent child we've had up to this point. There are several things in the living area of our home that are off limits to him that he is obsessed with. I'm sure he's obsessed simply because he knows they are off limits, but he's driving me batty with his persistence. The four "hot spots" are the books on the bookshelf, the TV buttons on the TV (particularly the on/off button while the two older kids are engrossed in their show), the entertainment center doors and the older kids' chore cards. Even if I wanted to, I can't do anything about removing the TV buttons, entertainment center doors or the kids' chore cards. I could remove the books from the bookshelf for a while, but what's that teaching him? I don't remember the other two being nearly this obsessed with the "no-no" things.

So what do you do to teach them at this age that certain things are off limits? I've done the re-direction thing with him for four months now and it hasn't helped one bit. I could seriously re-direct him for over an hour but he's just so focused. I tell him "No. Not Marc-Adam's. Don't touch." over and over again, but it doesn't make usually make a difference. And if it does, he just melts into tears for a few minutes, I then re-direct him to a new activity and then 30 seconds later he's back at it again. At times, it even seems like he thinks it's a game because I rush at him when he's playing with the cards or the books because I want to get to him before he totally tears something up. He then starts giggling at me and gets excited. I spend a large chunk of my day dealing with this behavior, but I'm out of ideas on how to rein him in a little bit. So what can I do about that?? Is there hope? PLEASE HELP!!

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Sometimes all you need is another set of eyes

Up until a few days ago, meal time around here had gotten pretty ugly. The kids' manners had started to fall away and they're attitudes about the meals were bordering nasty. There was silliness at the table, whining, fighting and they were never happy about whatever was in front of them. Every single meal I made was met with whines and eventually, they just quit eating my meals and started living on snacks. So a few weeks ago, I cut out the afternoon snack. That helped a little bit, but I was still enduring ugly attitudes at dinner time. I'd like to tell you that I'm a big enough person that the opinions of a 3 and 4 year old didn't get to me, but that would be a big fat lie. Because it did get to me. I dreaded making dinner because I felt so unappreciated. And I was just.so.tired.of the whining.

And then last week my BFF, Alison, and her darling daughter came to visit. I was lamenting to Alison about meal times and how they were really getting to me and how I needed to do something but I wasn't sure what. She said, "Well, how about if they complain about it, they don't get to eat at all. They won't starve if they miss a meal or two because of it."

Wow. That seems so simple, I thought. Why didn't I think of that? I thought. And then I realized why I didn't think of that. I've gotten a little lazy in my parenting in the last year or so just so I could survive. I've been doing whatever was easiest to keep the peace (and my sanity), even if it meant the kids walked all over me. But now I'm getting past merely surviving and the kids need me to be past that so I can give them more guidance in how to act properly.

So, out of desperation, we started with the new rule that night at dinner. Before I made dinner, I gathered the boys and laid it out....if you whine/complain/make one tiny nasty comment about dinner, your dinner will be over and you will be excused from the table. I knew and prepared myself for the fact that someone would not be eating dinner that night (and I had a feeling I knew who it would be) and then that someone would serenade the rest of our dinner with their wailing. But I had Sweet Hubby and Alison to back me up (and to keep me from caving into their cries). Sure enough, Zachary (the one I suspected would go to bed with an empty tummy) sneered at the broccoli and called it "yuck" (I know he doesn't like broccoli and he didn't have to eat it, but calling it yuck was not acceptable). He was excused from the table immediately and his plate was swiftly taken from the table. And as I also predicted, he serenaded our dinner with whines, cries and wailing. Stephen, trying to earn brownie points, went a little overboard telling me how good the dinner was, Mama, and it was so yummy, Mama, thank you, Mama. I choked down the rest of my dinner, almost near tears because it nearly broke my heart that my child was begging to eat and I was telling him no. But he didn't starve. He actually made it to breakfast the next morning.

The next day, I also added bad manners to the list of "Do not pass go, do not collect $200, you may get down from the table."

We only had that one incident on that very first night.

And I'll tell you what, not only do I have sweet, civilized children at the dinner table, but they are appreciative and actually EATING the dinner. No whining. No complaints. No 489 reminders to keep eating and you need to eat at least one bite of your vegetable. Seriously. It's so much more peaceful.

So I'm convinced I just needed another set of eyes that were way more objective than I could be....and a little kick in the pants to quit being so lazy just to keep everyone happy didn't hurt, either.

The land of perpetual free internet connection

We recently upgraded to high speed internet (God bless the high speed internet). I called the dial-up company last month to cancel our dial-up and instead of canceling my connection, the they gave me a free month. Okay then. So then I call back this morning since our free internet is up on Friday. And they gave me 2 free months. I like the way they do business!

If I had known about this a few months years ago (and if I were a less honest person) I would have played this game long ago when money was really tight!

Ringin' it in...with hope

I'm amazed at the amount of hope I have for this coming year. I've never been big on New Year's celebrations or resolutions. Really, it's just another day to me. But something, something, is different about today. And tomorrow. And the next year. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm filled with so much hope about what this next year will bring that it almosts brings me to tears. I'm so hopeful that I can't even think about the past year, whatever disappointments I had or goals I didn't meet. I don't want to think about them. They don't matter now. I honestly feel like I have this fresh, clean new slate waiting for me when I wake up tomorrow morning. And I hope that when I read this post at this point next year that I'll be able to look back and think, "Wow, I really felt it coming".



Among the obvious things (being a better wife, mom, homemaker, etc) I have ideas in my head of how I want to live this next year that are too personal for me to post here. And I'm not even sure I could put it all here if I wanted to. I'm not sure I could make my "goals" coherent. But they're there. And this year, at this point in my life, I'm more than ready to make things happen.

*As I finished that last paragraph, Sweet Hubby called to tell me that he just had a wreck. He's fine, but he hit and injured a calf and there's quite a bit of damage to his car. See this post to remember how we started 2007. And now I guess we're going to end it the same way. We'll be starting 2008 with the same burden as we started 2007. But I'm not going to let that get me down. I'm still hopeful and I'm reminded even more of how I want to make life better for myself and my wonderful children and my sweet, sweet husband who is safe and sound.

Happy New Year to you and yours. May 2008 be a year that brings us all countless blessings. God bless you.

From our home to yours....

I want to use this, my 200th post, to wish all of my readers (all 3 of you) a very merry Christmas. I pray Christmas finds you warm, fulfilled, and surrounded by those you love and who love you. I hope your Christmas brings you love, laughter and memories. And most of all, I wish you a lifetime, not just a day, of peace and joy.

Merry Christmas

Just a little perspective

It's been over a week since I've blogged. How can that be? So much has been happening and life's been so busy. I have so many blog topics running rampant in my head, I don't know if I'll ever be able to put it all here.

The main thing that's been going on this last week has been family related. Sweet Hubby's 80 year old grandmother had been very sick. He went to be with her earlier this week. She passed away Thursday morning with most of her family by her side. From what he says, it was truly an amazing experience to be with her in that time. Just a few hours before she passed away, she started saying things like, "Do you hear the bells?" and commenting about the color of the clouds and about the people that were "there" waiting for her and cheering her on. It really helped put this season into perspective....while most people were out stressing about gifts or travel or food, Sweet Hubby and I were able to celebrate a woman who led a good and long life. We've been able to really celebrate Christmas, knowing what we have to look forward to, thanks to that Baby in the hay. I'm not exactly sure what I believe about the afterlife, but it's a glorious thought to think about his grandmother meeting her Creator and Savior. I had a terrible time actually being sad about it all. I had a hard time not smiling because I was so happy for her (which made me feel a bit like a freak, but that's a whole 'nother blog post).

On to other matters not nearly as deep or spiritual....I have to say I'm a little bitter. And I KNOW that's not how I should be feeling. And maybe I shouldn't even be blogging this because I'm not sure who all reads this, but here goes....I made the gifts for Sweet Hubby's side of the family Christmas (not the same side who just lost their mother/grandmother). I put my heart and soul (not to mention time and effort) in to their gifts. They thanked me for them, and maybe I'm not being fair because they don't know how much I poured myself in to their gifts, but they didn't seem very excited or that they liked their gifts very much. Perhaps that's just the way they are, and I don't know what I expected their reactions to be, but it seems they could have acted like they cared a little more. I was really excited about their gifts, I wish they were, too. Now I'm wondering if I could have done something else that they would have liked better.....

And now I'm tired and off to bed. Christmas Eve will be a busy day for us, although Sweet Hubby will have to work most of it. I may never get used to him working so much over the holidays.

I'm tired, I'm bored and I 've got kinks in my leg!

*Updated at the bottom of this post*

(Ten totally useless points to whoever can name which classic story that title line is from....)

(something about that first sentence just sounds completely grammatically incorrect...but it stays)


I feel like a whine. And I will take one because it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Okay, so I'm not really bored and there aren't kinks in my leg, yet, but when I read that story to the kids, I say that line in a really whiny little voice that seemed to fit my mood for the last few days.

I love Christmas time and I've actually really been enjoying it with the kids, but I've just been so tired and cranky lately. I know what my problem is. I've been busy trying to get Christmas stuff done so my house is a mess, we haven't done school in two weeks (I think we needed a little break) and I feel completely unproductive because I spend most of my day putting out fires (aka: referee-ing fights, cleaning up spilled milk, changing the channel, plugging in a movie, getting snacks, putting shoes on tiny people so they can play outside....the list goes on). If I feel like things are piling up on me, I shut down, stare at the mess and whine about it.

I'm working on apron for a Christmas gift. And I'm mad at it. I've had to take the thing apart and redo it three times already. And now I've got the whole thing assembled minus the pockets (and, oh, if I can get the pockets on right it will just be so stinkin' cute that it's a good thing the fabric's not my style because I might keep it and have to go buy a gift for the person I'm making it for) and I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to get the pockets on. You see, I had to gather the apron at the waistband (that was my first time gathering in a sewing project, I've tried to avoid it) and now I don't know how to get the apron part flat enough to get the pockets on. And if I did get it flat enough, I don't know how they would look once I got them on. And this is a dilemma for which I need my entire brain and with kids fighting, asking me questions or trying to pants me by using my jammie pants to stand up, I just can't put my whole brain in to it. I tried last night, but the apron and I had been with each other all day long and we were starting to give each other dirty looks so it was time that we spent some time apart. But if I can get it done to my liking, I'm just going to be so excited.

Which brings me to my next point. I love sewing. I don't think I knew how much I loved to sew until I pulled out my machine and fabric a couple weeks ago when I started thinking about making some Christmas gifts. I haven't sewed since Marc-Adam was born. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day/money in the budget for me to be able to do it as often as I like. I'm hoping I can whip up a few things to sell so that I can go buy more fabric and patterns and that maybe, maybe, I can start selling stuff I make so that I can keep doing it.

And for my next whine, I'd like to present my children. Whom I love dearly. But I want to hide from them. If I hear "Yeah, but...." one more time as response to something I've told them, they might be wanting to hide from me. I know that there's a possibility that our parenting might have gotten us to this point, but I've never let their arguing get them what they want. And ever since this backtalk/"Yeah but"/arguing phase began a few weeks ago, I've made darn sure that they don't get anywhere with it. I don't know what else to do....but the whining and arguing must stop before I collapse into a little heap on the floor. And surrender.

Lately, no matter how much sleep I get, I feel this uncontrollable urge to lay down and take a nap about 3:30. And yesterday, I sat on the couch to watch the Grinch with the kids, and fell asleep sitting up. When I woke up, Marc-Adam was in a completely different room from when I fell asleep and neither of the kids were sitting next to me like they were when I was awake. Zachary came running up to me saying, "YOU'RE AWAKE!!" I missed most of the Grinch!! Which means I had to have been asleep for about 20 minutes! While I was supposed to be taking care of my children!!

And then yesterday evening, we were driving to meet my in-laws, and Stephen wanted to take a little detour to look at this one house with a bunch of lights. I know I didn't fall asleep because, oh my word, how scary is that, and obviously we were safe, but I zoned out or something because all of the sudden I came back to earth and realized and I had no idea where we were. Thankfully, it's a small town, so I was able to drive a little further toward something familiar, but not after zoning out a couple more times and taking turns I didn't intend to take. It was so weird and scary.

But I have a great weekend to look forward to. I'm leaving for a few days to stay with my folks because I've got rehearals tonight and tomorrow night and the concert on Friday night for our church's Christmas musical-thingy. Even though it's only 25 minutes away, my parents live much closer to our church than we do and we don't want to have to spend that much gas making that trip 4 times in 5 days so we're spending a long weekend with them (which is really my cover for not wanting to look at or deal with my messy house for a few days). So I have the concert Friday night in which I'm singing a duet of "In the Bleak Midwinter". I love that song and it should be pretty. But, last I heard, the guy I'm supposed to be singing it with had a bad upper respiratory infection....so our plans might change a bit. Stephen's also singing with the children's choir in that concert and he's just so cute standing up there with all the other kids. I can't wait to see how he does at the actual concert. We will definitely have the camera going just in case he does something to win us $10,000. Saturday, my mom and I are taking a girls' day and going to finish up the rest of our Christmas shopping. We haven't done that in what seems like forever, so I'm really looking forward to that.

Monday, I think I might join in on BooMama's tour of homes. I was going to post pictures of our Christmas stuff just for fun earlier this week, until I saw what she was doing with the tour of homes. So I think I'll do that instead of doing it all on my own.

So there's lots to look forward to. Let's hope it can jolt me out of my doldrums.

Love all around.

*Update: I had to start fresh with the apron. I think I worked on it too long yesterday, because when I started working on it this morning, I realized I had done most of it all wrong. It was partly my fault and partly because the pattern instructions were so wacky (it's a new pattern I've never used before). I'm able to keep the pockets I had before--as far as I know those are right--but everything else needs to be re-done. And since I had to take the other pieces apart so much yesterday, I figure I'm better off just starting fresh with new pieces. I'll post a pic when it's done.

And God bless his sweet little heart.

This evening, the kids and I were saying our prayers before bed. When it was my turn, I said something about 'Thank you for Pastor Bill and all our Sunday School teachers. And be with the people who don't have homes or families this season....."

After all the prayers were said and we said our final amen, Stephen looked up at me with his big dark eyes and said very sadly and quietly, "Mommy? Pastor Bill doesn't have a home?"

I think he would have seriously asked Pastor Bill to come live with us.

A Christmas Meme

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper and a bow(if it's being shipped, no bow)....unless I have a gift that just can't be wrapped.

2. Real tree or Artificial? artificial...I'd love to do real, but it's just easier to have a fake one.

3. When do you put up the tree? Generally the weekend after Thanksgiving....but with Sweet Hubby's new job, that was out of the question, so this year we did it the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually between Dec. 26 and Dec. 31. I can't stand to look at it after Christmas, so I take it down as soon as I get a chance.

5. Do you like eggnog? I don't know....

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Um....I can recall a few....but I don't know which would be my favorite.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes. A cheapy $10 one from Wally World...It's an all one piece kind of thing where the pieces are glued down to the bottom. But Joseph came loose a couple years ago and Mary came loose this year, so they travel now. I'm surprised something hasn't gotten broken yet....but my feelings won't be hurt if it does.

8. Hardest person to buy for? Hmmm...my father-in-law? I usually can find something for everyone.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Sweet Hubby. He has an ongoing wish list all year round!

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? I can't think of anything really bad...

11. Mail or email Christmas card? Sadly, neither. I always have good intentions to send out a card, but for some reason, it never happens.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Oh, there are just too many. A Christmas Story, It's a Wonderful Life, the original Miracle on 34th Street....the list goes on and on.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? After Thanksgiving.

14. Have you ever recycled/re gifted a Christmas present? I don't think so....

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My grandma's fiesta crescents, pecan pie, homemade cookies.

16. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night, and in a very close second, O Come Emmanuel

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel, I guess. On Christmas Day we go to my grandma's house, but she only lives an hour away.

18. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy.....oh, wait....

19. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One Christmas eve and all the rest on Christmas morning.

20. Most annoying thing about this time of year? White Elephant Christmas exchanges.

21. Best thing about Christmas? Christmas Eve. Drinking hot chocolate, eating warm from the oven cookies, reading the Nativity Story from the bible and 'Twas the Night Before Christmas with the kids.