Monday, March 10, 2008

I am tired.

In case you were wondering about me, I had a fabulous weekend. The first evening and morning I was there, I wasn't sure that I had made the right decision by going. But by Sunday afternoon, I didn't want to leave. Actually I did want to come home and see my family, but I wanted to bring everyone else from the camp home with me. It was a wonderfully stretching experience for me (in more ways than one) and I feel like I'm a different person.

While there, I didn't cook, clean or wipe anyone's butt (praise God, since my children weren't there, lol). I didn't even think about what might be happening elsewhere in the world and it never occurred to me until this morning that I didn't watch Fox News for 4 days and I didn't even think about it! I ate more than I think I've eaten in the last month and the food was so so good.

One of the last things we talked about before we all departed the camp was the protective "bubble" we had been in for the last few days. It was mentioned that probably each of us had changed, but the world that we were returning to was probably very much the same and that at some point, our bubble would be popped. Someone was going to pop our bubble. As soon as that was said, I knew who was going to pop my bubble. And I was right. What I didn't expect was how and how soon.

All day Sunday I was looking forward to going home, hugging my children and putting them to bed so I could rest (I got about as much sleep this weekend as one would get in a youth group church camp) and decompress. But Stephen obviously had other ideas. He refused to sleep. He fought, and screamed and carried on for FIVE HOURS after we put them to bed. He did things and acted in ways that he never has before and that are totally out of his character. And as a result, I acted in ways I hadn't before and for a good part of the fight, I did not handle myself well. For about 2 hours, I acted totally calm and ignored him for a while. Sweet Hubby and I tag-teamed for a while, but it didn't seem to make a difference. And then the exhaustion hit me and I had had it. I think I was too rough with him. Finally, at about 2am, with Z in bed with Sweet Hubby and me sleeping in Z's bed, we all went to sleep. Marc-Adam woke us up a little before 9am, so we did get a good chunk of sleep, but it wasn't near what Stephen needed to make up for his antics last night.

He's spent the majority of the morning in his bed as punishment. He came out for breakfast and lunch. I did go in there and spend some time with him just he and I thinking that maybe all this behavior was result of his need to reconnect with me after me having been gone for four days. I told him that if he laid down and took a nap, that he could join us as normal in the living room after naps. But at naptime, he picked up right where he left off. The crying and screaming started over again and currently he's in my room with me and will be returning to his bed when the other 2 boys wake up from their nap.

Another layer to this is the fact that he and Z share a room. I don't know what to do about that because a lot of his screaming starts in his room. I'm thinking about moving Z into Marc-Adam's room (he seemed to sleep through most of the drama last night) for tonight so that Stephen won't bother them as much if he starts carrying on again tonight. Oh and I'm on my own tonight because Sweet Hubby won't be home till around 11pm.

I'm at a loss as what to do. I'm tired. Stephen's tired. At one point last night just before it all finally ended, I was speaking to him sternly with him standing up in front of me and he started falling asleep standing up. He has deep, dark circles under his eyes today. I didn't get a whole lot of rest this weekend and it was emotionally draining, which sometimes can make you even more tired than a weekend full of physical activity. I just want to rest and love on my kids and spend time with them and be peaceful. But now I'm just more tired, mad, and not at all peaceful. I have loved on them, but most of the time I've been home has been filled with the power struggles with Stephen. I have no idea how to react to him. He's saying ugly, hateful things that he's never said before and none of the usual consequences matter. I don't like him very much right now. I'm trying to be graceful, but this problem needs to be fixed and I don't know how to fix it.


KatieBug said...

I am so sorry!! I know how hard that can be. Sometimes when you have been away from the kids for a while, you are so ready to get back and see them, 5 minutes after you get back it is like you were never gone and you can't wait until the next time you get a break. I was having trouble with my boys sleeping so I moved Bubby into CreamPuffs room and it has worked out well. Sometimes we just need a liitle change. Hang in there and it WILL get better! Love you!!

Jaime said...

aww.... (((HUGS))) Alli.

Sounds to me like S really missed his Mommy, but really didn't know how to tell you. And of course when Mommy is exhausted, it just makes things so much harder! I know I have lots less patience.

Hope tonight goes better for you.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for a peaceful night tonight!

chewymama said...

this time change has been hard on my boys - they were up until almost 10:30 tonight!!!! eek! also, if it makes you feel any better, I am having a lot of trouble with my 5.5yr old too ... and so are friends with kids close in age. So with this lovely age, and the time change, and your absence it makes sense - no excuse, but at least you know he isnt losing it (I wondered about mine today). Sending sympathy and commiseration, Rach (glad you had fun!!!! dont let this steal your joy!)