To baby or not to baby?

That is the question.

I've really been struggling with this lately. For some reason, I feel like we need to make the decision now, or at least very soon, about whether or not we are going to have more children.

On the one hand, I look at my boys, and they fill up our lives so much. They are busy and boisterous and fun. We've gotten in to quite a routine around here, especially Sweet Hubby and I. It takes us very little time to get out the house and when we are out, we work really well together keeping the kids together and getting everyone taken care of. Marc-Adam will be out of diapers within the year, I think. And soon, it will be easier to get serious about homeschooling--once he gets a little older and is better able to sit and be entertained by whatever activity we are doing. (For the last several months, he's just been whining and screaming and tearing things off the table when we try to do school.) It's hard to imagine getting to that point and then starting all over again with a little one. I also consider my pregnancies. I border on narcolepsy when pregnant. The fatigue is killer. It's gotten worse with each pregnancy, I guess because with each pregnancy, I have more responsibility than I did with the pregnancy before. I also have to deal with gestational diabetes. And the chance of morning sickness. That seems like a lot to think about when these days, I'm lucky to get two meals and a shower in one day. Once in a while, I take a look in the rearview mirror of my van, or around my dining room table, I look at the sweet faces that fill me with so much love and joy and I think, "This is so good....this could be complete."

On the other hand....well, on the other hand is my heart. There are many more days when I think that there's no way our family is complete. I look at the faces of my boys and it's hard for me to imagine what my life was like before them. For a long time after Z was born, Sweet Hubby wasn't sure he wanted a third. Finally we decided that we would have a third child. I look at Marc-Adam and I can't believe what we would have missed out on if we had the decision the other way. I don't want to miss out the next little person, either. I realize that that way of thinking could get us in a situation like this, and while I admire that family, that's not where I think our family is headed. For so long, I thought that we had at least 1 more child in our future, maybe even 2. But the further away we get from babyhood, the more I'm starting to wonder.

Complicating things even more is Sweet Hubby. Usually his head and heart are in agreement. He may have them decided one way for a long time and then change his mind, but he always has it made up one way or the other. But he's feeling the same way as I am. We had a long discussion about it yesterday. We have a lot to consider. And it's not a decision we'll run into lightly. We also realize we're not the only ones making the plans. So, after we talked about it for a while, we decided we were both going to spend some time in prayer about it. It seemed silly that we both were struggling with this decision and not even thinking to pray about it.

I also don't want to let Marc-Adam get too old before we try again. Me still being in my mid-20s, I have plenty of time. But I honestly don't want Marc-Adam to be 4 0r 5 and then start all over again. So I feel like we should be making this decision and doing something about within the next year or so. The original plan was to try for a Spring '09 baby. That thought scares me now. It doesn't scare me as much as it did 3 or 4 months ago, but maybe that's just because M-A is getting a little easier to deal with.

So that's the question. And I just don't know the answer. I want an answer. I don't want to spend the rest of child-bearing years asking that question.