Thursday, June 21, 2007

And it can't have anything to do with hormones, right?

Today just seems to be one of those days. Lately I'm trying to be more real and transparent, but I still don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions and moods in check until I'm ready to deal with them. Not today.

Today, I've felt like crying. All day. All the emotions are just skimming the surface.

Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing going on in my life that's particularly worth crying over. But everything seems to be affecting me.

I wanted to cry while listening to my favorite Christian radio station hold their annual fund-raiser so they can minister to the community while never having to play commercials. Just listening to the stories of people whose lives have been impacted by the radio station and listening to how a community can come together to really do the work of God makes me get all teary and red-faced.

I wanted to cry while reading this story. I can't imagine her family's pain and frustration. I can't imagine what must be going on in the mind of her little boy who is the same age as my Zachary. I want to cry when I think about what that boy went through before someone finally found him. Bless his little heart.

I wanted to cry when I finally came to the conclusion that my missing $10 bill probably fell out of my pocket at Wally World. (And I wanted to yell when I called the Wally World to see if they found it. The lady who took my call was oh-so-helpful with her immediate and flat, "No.")

I want to cry when I look at my messy, cluttered home and I know that I just can't do it all. I want so badly to be a good housekeeper, but I'm just not. I'm not sure I ever will be.

I want to cry when I think about all the things I want to do with my kids and all the things I want to do for them. There's just not enough resources or money, though. I'm learning to accept that.

Now notice that I've said that I want to cry. I actually haven't. Yet. I'm trying to hold it all back so the kids don't think I'm crazy. And there's no time for a pity party. Little boys don't enjoy pity parties because there's no presents or cake. So I choke back the tears for a little bit longer. But I can't help to think that a good cry would do wonders right about now.


ksl said...

Those are all really valaid reasons to cry. I have days like that sometimes. Wanting the best for you children is hard, because it could always be better, but it could be a lot worse, too. Your kids have a really cool mom that not only makes sure they are fed, but also reads to them, makes homemade sidewalk paint and loves them with her whole heart. You are doing a great job and sometimes a good cry can be refreshing.

Kelli in the Mirror said...

So would it make you laugh or cry if I asked you if you're pregnant? :) Only because of the title and the hormone thing. (you know somebody was gonna ask, so I'm just getting it out of the way.)

I'm sorry it's a bad day. I get those too and it's frustrating when you're 'with it' enough to realize there's no reason for the sadness. Clay doesn't have much patience with me on those days because there's really nothing wrong, but then EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

LaughterThoughts said...

oh, i have so been there, and i totally understand what you're feeling right now... now you go find yourself a quiet little spot (like the bathroom!) and have yourself a good cry.:) crying can be so therapeutic and healing, and sometimes once you've released all that emotion, those hormones will balance out a little.

and i think some cake might make you feel better. i'm an emotional eater, so when i get on the hormone rollercoaster, i like to snack... with preference to frozen chocolate cake.

chewymama said...

Ive been there too, so many days. you are very normal. I do cry infront of the boys sometimes. They'll ask whats wrong, give me hugs and kisses and even pray for me. Its ok for them to see you upset sometimes - and sometimes a hug and kiss from them will make it a 100 times better. ;)

You are a great mom. Loving your kids is more important than a clean house and you will continue to get better at it as time goes on and they can help more. Whats helped me a lot is my friends reminding me that this is the hardest it will be as far as workload, because our kids are young. Even if we have more childrne, we will also have older children. This is only a season! {{hugs}}

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I have those days, too! It's been good lately, but once I get in the mood for a good cry, it all comes at once!