Handing it all over

Although I've been a Christian for most of my life, I've always struggled with what it means to have a deep, life-changing relationship with God. The kind of relationship that changes you in such a way that people have to ask, "What is it about you that makes you the way you are?" and makes you live as the person God intended you to be. I've struggled with consistently finding times to sit down and pour over His word. I have no problem praying. That verse "Pray without ceasing" doesn't seem to be a problem for me. Especially since I've had kids. But a one-sided conversation isn't productive and doesn't go very far. And a relationship where one party is selfish and does all the taking and none of the giving is doomed to failure. So all of my ceaseless and, for the most part selfish, prayer has gotten me nowhere in my desire for an intimate relationship with the One who loves me most.

I also think that I have a problem completely trusting Him. I slowly learned to trust Him to provide us with what we need. I don't really worry anymore about where the money is going to come from and if we will have enough left over to get groceries in the last week of the month or to get the baby his medicine. But do I trust him to make me the person I was intended to be? Do I trust him to bless my marriage and help me find ways to put Him first? Do I trust that He will help me raise my boys to be men that love Him, pursue His will and live lives that are full of love, compassion, integrity and purpose? "No" and "Not nearly enough" are the only answers to those questions.

The other morning, I was sipping tea out of my favorite mug. I got it from a Mary Kay lady and it's a cute mug. It has a feminine shape and has sweet flowers and cute little bees all over. It's lovely and it makes me feel fun and cute and feminine everytime I use it. It also has little "inspirational" sayings all over it. I usually ignore them, but that morning, one of them caught my attention. "If it is to bee, it is up to me." No, I didn't misspell that, it actually says "bee"...cute, huh? It was then that I realized that that mentality was my problem. I think that if I want things to be a certain way, I have to take care of it myself. Then another light bulb went off when I realized that the deeper problem was I was trying to make things the way I want them to be. I'm not trusting God's will or His way. "If it is to be, it is up to me." What a nasty lie wrapped up in a cute little phrase. Even cuter when you misspell it and surround it with bees.

I thought on that phrase for a little while. Then a verse came to mind in what I can only believe was God's counter to what I had been living out.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

The verse doesn't go on to say, "Except you, Alli, because you seem to have things under control." So I've come to a crossroads in my faith. Do I keep going down the path I've been taking (which history in my own life has shown leads to discontent and frustration and is actually a dead-end) or do I hand it all over to God and trust him with my life and the lives of the ones I love and care for? Handing everything over, not just the things I feel I am ill-equipped to handle.

But leaving the old ways behind is hard. And I'm not sure where to even begin except through lots of prayer (and doing a little more listening and a lot less talking) and setting aside more time to read my bible. Taking control of things is like an addiction and I'm afraid I'll just keep coming back to it when things don't seem to be going the way I think they should. I'm amazed at how true strength isn't in the hanging on but of the letting go. And I wonder how strong I am. But doesn't that come back to trusting Him? What an ugly cycle I've lead myself to.

And all this from drinking a cup of tea.