Y'all, I'm just. tired.

I'm so frustrated and tired and....I don't know what else. I feel like I'm at the brink of cracking. The last few days I've just felt like I don't know if I can do this for one more second.

We're back to having problems with Stephen. We've had a really hard week, and beyond the frustration of his behavior, I feel like it's putting a strain on our relationship because I don't really like him right now. And I'm sure he doesn't like me because I've lost my cool more than a few times this week. I'm not handling this round of negative behavior as well as the first round. So on top of everything else that I'm feeling, add guilt. Because I feel like I'm wasting time being so frustrated and angry with him. But I certainly can't feel or act like everything's roses, because it's not. Everytime we "fight", it's like I've put a chink in our relationship, in his trust for me, in his ability to be a normal, loving, well-adjusted human being. I can't handle the feeling that everything I do is going to affect who he is and what he does for the rest of his life. Does anyone understand?

And, y'all. I just want to be able to put the children to bed for the night, and crawl in to my bed and sleep all night. But that hasn't happened in over a month and a half. And now they've broken the air mattress I sleep on. Two nights ago, I slept on the air mattress anyway, and by the time I woke up at some point in the night, I was also sleeping on the floor. Lemme tell you how fun that was.

I sit here in tears because I just love that child so much and I hate what's happening. I hate that I don't like him. I hate that so much of my energy goes into disciplining and coaxing and, I have to admit, yelling. I hate that I see that reflected in how he handles everything else....the anger.

I just want things to go back to normal. I don't know how to get there.

I took Stephen to the store yesterday to let him pick out several toys/movies to use as motivation for him to stay in his room while I slept in mine. He picked out some cool stuff. The idea was that he would get one every few days if he stayed in bed all night, and we would work up to the big toys. And then I told him that if he could stay in bed 2 full weeks, we would have a party. I meant it, too. I seriously would want to throw a party if we made it 2 full weeks. I told him that if he couldn't stay in his bed without me being in there, then I was going to take all his toys back so that we could afford a new air mattress. However, we didn't make it one night. I ended up in his room (in bed with Zachary, actually, and sleeping with a three year old has got to be something like sleeping with a large octopus) at about 2am. That's when he told me, "It's okay, Mama. You can take it all back. That's okay." GRRRR!!!! That's SO NOT the point!! I fussed and complained...I didn't go to bed till almost 1am and I was beginning to get dizzy I was so tired. And then I forgot that I had told my neighbor that I would take her daughter to school today so she called and woke me up before 7am. And given that I felt like I was on the brink of losing it altogether yesterday, when I was relatively well-rested and not cranky, I can't imagine what today will bring. I can't stop praying for God's grace and mercy.